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Les bleux d'ecole

I'm sort of freaking out right now. May or may not be having a kind-of breakdown.

School is seriously stressing me out. I have a French test coming up on Monday and I just plain don't know it. I leave the classroom and nothing sticks. I mean, I have to give a lot of credit to the critical-age theory in Linguistics because when I was 13-14, just at the end of the "critical age," I walked through Spanish no problem. It all made sense and I was good at it. Maybe that was because that part of my brain was still capable of acquiring new language. But now I'm 22 and I can't for the life of me keep a hold on French. And you know, my expectations for myself aren't really that high. I need a C for it to count toward graduation and to be honest, that's all I'm even hoping for. Sure it'd be nice to get an A or a B, and yeah I'm gonna work my ass off for them, but I'm not exactly confident that I'll get them. Which I'm sure is just going to hinder me. You know, power of positive thinking and all that.

It's just that...There's reading every night for every class I have, homework or a paper due for three out of four every day or sometimes every other. And I'm going straight home from school, grabbing a quick dinner and heading out the door for work. And it's like, when am I supposed to get all this stuff done? Work is really what's adding to my stress levels. It's not that I hate my job or anything. I actually enjoy my job and the people I work with. It's just that you know, over the summer when I wanted damnnear full time hours I got two days a week, and now school's started and I'm there five or six. It's just not conducive to proper studying. So I think when I go in tonight I'm going to ask Daniella if maybe, just for a few weeks, I can have my hours cut. Just during the week. Maybe just two weeks or so of not working almost every weeknight will be helpful. Just cause, you know I'm up until one in the morning studying, waking up at 8 to get ready, classes all day, quick dinner and then back to work. It's just highly frustrating.

I honest to god broke down this morning and was just bawling into Josh's shoulder. It's like the quote from Igby Goes Down. This quote has always stuck with me because I always find myself stressing out over something. "You see it, Igby? I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me. It's constantly coming down on me. It's crushing me." And I hate to say it but that's how I've always felt about school. I'm the first-born, and my parents didn't get to go to college (although my dad did go back for his B.S. when I was a kid) so there's this tremendous pressure to succeed. And it's like every time they say, "Oh Jess, we know you can do it, you're so smart," for some messed up reason it doesn't encourage me or make me feel better. No. Instead all I get out of that is what a disappointment it'll be if I fail.

It really would help me to see a therapist I think. I just don't even really know how to begin that process. And then again, there's just one more chunk of time taken away for that then.

Ugh. What a terrible day. I'll probably feel better once the test is over and I get a feel for things but until then I can tell my stomach's going to be in a knot all weekend.

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
bgreane
Sep. 17th, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I completely understand the stress, and the pressure from parents, I'm the first kid in the family to go to college too. Maybe there's someone on campus you can talk to, like a counseling center or something?
bluejeanbaby78
Sep. 17th, 2009 06:28 pm (UTC)
thanks. :) I did look into the campus counseling center, but it's kind of weird. You only get so many sessions, they push toward group meetings but you can get individual if you beg a little. I'm considering it, if I can get individual time.
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